Ya know, I wanna get real honest here and say that I don't write in my blog because my ex is a "subscriber". Should that hinder me? Well, technically no, but the unfortunate part of having a blog is that it IS public and whatever information you want to share with the world but wish to keep from your ex is pretty impossible to compartmentalize online. But what am I gonna do? Not write? That's silly. And that's exactly what I've been doing, not writing. Hey, I'm afraid - like all of the people, um, everywhere, we are afraid of many many many silly everyday things. I'm afraid that my ex will see this and text me his fake encouraging messages about what a good writer I am.
So excuse the public message but: "Hey. You. Please don't."
I am encouraged and loved by the right people now. Isn't that so important? To have friends and relationships with people that are always willing to cleanse you like an oily seagull? I am lucky to have that in La La.
Anyway, I shot stuff for my reel. Did it go well? Um, it went FINE. But I am understanding too clearly that if I watch myself as I perform (meaning, after takes), I learn OODLES about E. Swan. I don't have acting coaches with me, I don't have all those professional consultants, so I have me. And I trust me. Decently. Others are a little harder to navigate with when there are favors involved. But let me go on the record and say the new stuff LOOKS great. But performances don't necessarily reflect where I am in my acting today. So onward and upward - let's keep making footage, shall we?
I learned a GREAT DEAL from shooting my own stuff. Mainly, that I need to watch myself and see what is happening. I know what I need to look like, I know what kind of performance I am capable of, so therefore, despite my ridiculously critical side, I think watching myself is GOOD. Discovery: my left side is my good side! I guess I haven't been vain enough to realize that before. I know that I would've done many things differently, but despite that, I improved my reel and I am glad. More to come on that.
Also, my acting teacher, Janet - who knows how insanely sensitive I am and that I have a tendency to beat myself up mentally about my achievements or progress (or anything) - said NO NO NO don't watch yourself!!! Well, I disagree, Ms. Alhanti because although I am tougher than an old sea turtle from time to time - I LEARN by seeing what is happening through the camera's eye. It's essential. It's ok. It's about letting go and applying things at the same time. I can do that. Just because I break down in tears in front of my acting class (prooooobably more often than anyone else) and don't quite have the energy to both fight embarrassment AND convince my classmates that I believe in myself doesn't mean that I don't believe in myself! I do! I And I have to make that more clear to the world.
Enough, darlings - here is my new, improved reel. Enjoy.
